Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hello Again

It's been several weeks since my last post. I'm not the most consistent blogger. Many times, when I sit down to type, I feel guilty for not spending that time more productive ways. After all, I do have a big house to clean and maintain; five kids to feed, clothe, teach, and entertain; and a myriad of unfinished projects to complete.

I'm also about five years behind in Memory Books. I've kept up with the births of my children, but not their birthdays, Christmas, Easter, or growth and development. And a nagging little voice always reminds me of these facts each time I sit down at my computer to update this blog.

As I sit here now, my kitchen is in shambles, clean laundry is piled high on the couches, dirty laundry lies in piles around my living room, my floor is covered in candy wrappers, and my bed is covered with Halloween costumes. There are so many things that I could be, probably should be doing. And yet here I sit.

Because I realized...I get more done when I think somebody cares about what I'm doing.

Yes, yes. I know that Hubby and the kids care. But it's not the same as having a girlfriend who cares and sympathizes and cheers one on. And let's face it, I am a slow one to make friends. It takes years for me to feel comfortable with others and to truly develop trust and friendship. Blogging helps me stay connected to those dear friends and family members that live far away.

This past month, I purposely avoided blogging. I listened to that nagging, guilt-filled voice. And you know what? My house isn't any cleaner and I've only made a teeny little dent in the projects galore. The only thing that changed was my heart...I have felt so lonely and isolated this past month. And instead of creating more time for myself, I felt as though I had less time and more work than ever!

Looking back, I've realized that I am most productive when I have someone to share with.

I started blogging so my Dear Sister could "stalk" me, as she so sweetly put it. We lived in different states and blogging provided the perfect way for us to stay connected. But, as the popularity of blogging grew, random people began reading my blog and, quite frankly, it weirded me out a bit. I started thinking I needed to write a certain way or only include certain topics. I began to over analyze everything I wrote, worried that someone who didn't know me and my dry, sarcastic sense of humor, might take offense. And for the people who do know me, Offending others is the last thing I would ever want to do. I became bogged down...taking weeks to write and edit a post that should have only taken thirty minutes to type up and post.

And I've decided that I'm done with that.

I am who I am. A nerdy, introverted, sarcastic, homemaking intellect.  And I am done worrying about what others think in regards to this blog. Especially when they are faceless names in the cyber-world.

I'm going back to the way I was when my blog was private. I am writing the way I speak. Nothing fancy. Just a nice conversation between sisters and friends.

I'm not vain. I'm not perfect. This blog is only a sliver of me. Reading it does not make you an expert on me or my way of thinking. It only provides a glimpse into my life. But for family and friends who truly know me, the sliver is all they need in order to catch up with my family and I.

People I don't know are welcome to read. Though I may be slow to make true friends, I am friendly to everyone I meet. But if you are going to judge negatively or get your feelings hurt by a person that you haven't even met (namely me), please move on. There are plenty of other blogs to read.

This blog is addressed to my Sisters and Friends.